The Monster I've Become
by barbieellaxo
Summary: Oneshot Somewhat inspired by last week's episode (Ep. 3) Disclaimer: This isn't suppose to be award worthy so don't hate me for any flaws. I'm a fangirl not a professional xx


The Monster I've Become

It had been a month since Annalise and Eve had last spoke. For a while things were going well, too well. Eve should've seen it coming. What really made her think that they could have a healthy long distance relationship especially with the given circumstances. After two weeks of sulking and self loathing for putting herself back in this position Eve decided to take a trip to Philadelphia. Once and for all she was going to find out why Annalise was the way she was. She was going to unravel the years of emotion damage that made her so incapable of accepting love.

It was ten after three in the morning. This trip was inspired by a long day of work, two hours of sleep, and a lot of expensive vodka. But any inspiration was better than no inspiration.

Annalise was awake sitting in her living room. Nate had just left a few hours ago. In the past month Annalise had gotten reacquainted with a few people from her past, Nate being one of them, and a few new people. Sex had become what some might call a coping mechanism. She wasn't sure what she was trying to cope with but the more she did it the less she cared. It wasn't until now at this ungodly hour that she found herself reading the last few emails from Eve over and over that she started to suspect what it really was about. She read the last message for the tenth. She sat there quiet, her arms wrapped tightly around herself in a hug, hoping to find comfort. Her body gently rocked back and forth, her cheeks stained with the endless stream of tears from her glossy eyes, enduring the emotional pain that continued to engulf her.

The floor board creaked behind her and she turned. Before things had took a turn for the worst she had given Eve a key to her house. "For emergencies" Eve had been watching her for some time. The buzz from the vodka had halfway faded and there was a growing hangover forming. But most of all there was an emotional impairment so vast that it made it impossible for her to speak. For the past month she had waited for this moment, dreamed about it, dreaded it, and experienced every other form of emotion imaginable towards it.

Annalise look at her demoralized and unhibited. There was no point in trying to cover what was going on here. She subconsciously decided to spare her the bullshit but they had been staring at each other for some time now and one of them had to speak. The silence was the worse form of sincerity.

"Say whatever you want. Any horrible thing that you've thought in the past month. Say it. It'll probably be true and I'll deserve it."

Eve refused to cry she had done enough of that. She walked towards her stumbling and staggering until she reached her and sat down.

"You don't get to do that. You don't get to hurt people. Actually.. fuck 'people', you don't get to hurt me. The best part if you're not even sorry" She let out a sadistic chuckle and a phony smile.

"That's not true"

Anger, resentment, and intoxication aside Eve knew that Annalise was sorry. She knew what she really wanted. She knew her better than she knew herself. But what she didn't know was why. Why after all she had done for her she continued to fuck her over, over and over again almost without remorse.

Eve leaned in to Annalise smelling of Grey Goose and tequila "So why"

"Why should I apologize for the monster I've become, when no one's ever apologized for making me this way" her words were cold and indifferent.

Eve leaned back and took it in. Her thoughts swirling between her adrenaline, emotions, and the alcohol. Annalise always thought of herself as someone who ruined things. She thought that all the bad in her life could be accredited to herself. Deep down she believed she was malevolent, that was why she was the way she was. The reason she couldn't accept anyone who loved her.

Eve knew there were things about Annalise she didn't know. She knew a lot. More than most people. But there were still question marks. Like what had happened to Sam and why she was protecting her students. She had always assumed that Annalise would tell her when she was ready but the truth was she was never going to be ready. She was never going to find it in herself to tell her the most horrible things she ever did. Because part of her was always going to be afraid that one day Eve would look at her the same way she looked at herself.

Everything had started to slow down. Maybe it was the buzz wearing off. But all the anger and resentment she felt when she walked in was gone. She was filled with longing and desired. The desire for Annalise to once and for all open up to her. She looked at her for a moment, her eyes filled with all the tenderness in the world.

"I want- I need. I need you to do something for me. I need you to look at me, and tell me every terrible thing you've ever done.. and let me love you anyway. Let me love you Annalise. Stop making this so goddamn difficult."

Annalise couldn't look away as much as she might of wanted to or as hard as she might have tried.

She wanted to tell Eve everything. Deep down she knew that she wasn't going to judge her. She knew that she wasn't going to leave.

She broke eye contact for a second. Just to look at the time. It was four in the morning. Eve had come all the way to Philadelphia at four in the morning just to hear her truth. If there was anyone ever deserving of an answer or an explanation it was Eve.

So she gave it to her. From four in the morning until a quarter past six Annalise sat and told Eve every terrible thing she had done and every terrible thing anyone had ever done to her. Every lie she had covered up, every nightmare, every fear, every night she cried herself to sleep afraid of the person she had become. And by the time it was all over she felt sheer comfort. No matter how horrible what she said was Eve never flinched, she never looked at her with disgust. There was no point where her feelings towards her ever changed.

"I'm sorry for being like this"

"Don't you dare apologize for being who you are.. as much as it's hurt at times.. I love you. I love you for who you are. You just needed to accept that"

Eve leaned in and gave her the most gratifying kiss.

After all was said and done. She loved Annalise more than she had before she got there, and now Annalise loved her more than she did before. But most importantly she trusted her, totally and completely.


End file.
